THE MURDERER OF ALL MY HOPES AND DREAMS

One of the things that is holding me back in life (okay maybe not life but some major steps forward) is undoubtedly, self doubt. I'm gonna share something that happened over the weekend but here's a little backstory:

Last year, I applied to be a Career Peer Advisor of Sunway. What we do is basically help students on their career pathway, help them look through their resumes and cover letters and basically try to make them employable. So naturally, we had to go through training to be able to do that. We had two training workshops, each on a Saturday. The first week was getting to know each other and JobStreet coming to educate us on the do's and don'ts of writing a resume. Then on the second week, it was committee nomination. We had to prepare a proposal in a group and present, and also play a team building game. At the end of the workshop, we had to nominate, based on the two weeks that we met and got along, the president, vice president and secretary of CPA. That's when Ms Sharon, our advisor, asked a question.

"Who is interested in being the president of CPA?"

No one raised their hand.

"Who is not interested in being the president of CPA?"

I slowly raised my hand, along with another 4 people.

Ms Sharon looked kinda shocked as to why I raised my hand (or she didn't and maybe I thought too much). She then like continued to explain the benefits of being the pres and stuff. She then said something that made me think. She said she doesn't expect you to already know everything when you become president and will guide you once you are actually appointed president.

Something that I learned from CISA, is that your skills need to already be very strong to take up a role as a committee. I always felt that there are so many people above me, and yes, there really are. You know how being mediocre feels like? That was always how I felt in CISA. I didn't feel like I was very strong in certain areas and sometimes I don't know if I'm really contributing to anything. I know that an effort is an effort but sometimes it just makes you feel shitty that you cannot do anything big. I'm always trying to learn, to adapt and to imitate that sometimes, I don't know what my style is anymore. But to be very honest, CISA is a place where the strongest talents are at. So maybe I'm still okay if you compare me with normal people. I'm always looking for ways to learn and grow, I don't know if I'm really achieving anything but I just hope what I do is up to standards and at least for the better of whatever I'm doing.

I didn't want to be president/vice-president not because I was busy with CISA or because I want to focus more on my studies. The real reason that came to my realisation, was fear: fear that I wasn't good enough for the position, fear that I couldn't do well if I really was appointed, and also fear that other people might not be convinced that I'm cut out for it.

The first step to overcoming a problem is to realise and admit that you have that specific problem. Well, to those interested, I took what I said back and told Ms Sharon I was still up for consideration. We'll see if I get any emails from them next week!

REPOST OF A POST

Huiyong Khoo is attending The Human Exhibit: Mentalhealth at Twenty20Two.
26 January at 00:36 

I never thought that I would grow up to be an abnormal person.

Why abnormal? Well that's how we categorise people like me, don't we? And to certain people, if it's not serious to the extend that you're already dead, it's probably you thinking too much or being lazy or finding an excuse or some other reason they can come up with.

I used to think I was just a very sad person in general when I was younger. I didn't think I was different then. However, as I grew up, I got to know a lot more about mental health issues. There were a lot of times where the pain in my chest was too unbearable I just wanted to not be alive just to get rid of the pain. I'm grateful that never happened and I'm still here doing what I do.

I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and dysthymia just this month. I'm very thankful of myself, plucking up the courage to even schedule an appointment with a psychologist, when some days I just don't feel like getting out of bed at all. High school had been rough for me, and university didn't really make it better either. I'm just very grateful that I'm studying Psychology and having friends that are so so supportive and caring and compassionate and empathetic.

The Human Exhibit: Mentalhealth is like a tour that lets you immerse in representations of different mental disorders. Two thumbs up to all the crew and performers, you guys were great! Tbh, the first thing I saw hit so so close to home I think I had the most intense panic attack right then and there. And just to share, the first thought that came into my mind was "That's me." I really highly recommend going to see this show, I promise you, you will not be disappointed.

Also a part of the show, Dear Mental Health is a movement to raise awareness and abolish the stigma of mental health. I wrote it not on my wrist, but just beside a self-inflicted scar that has been with me for almost 7 years, to remind myself that no matter what happens, I am strong and I will be fine and I will overcome whatever that is pulling me down. There are the bad days and more often than not, there are also many good days.

I don't need special treatment just because I'm diagnosed. I'm sharing this experience of mine to let people around me be aware that things like these are happening and a lot of the times, it might happen to someone close to you. So be loving, be caring, read up a little on mental health and maybe be the change that you want to see in this world :)