TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE BUT PATIENCE IS ALWAYS A VIRTUE

Three months into 2018.
January felt like 64 years, February felt like 8 days and now it's already March.
Spring is coming.

To be honest March wasn't really a good month for me, work-wise, relationship-wise and all. I felt like that took a toll on my mental health too. I thought like I wasn't doing good enough, and I wasn't being productive. So I felt really bad about it. A lot of things weren't going my way or as planned, and it made me super frustrated. I hate blaming what I can't do on my mental illness, but it really is so difficult living with it.

Hopefully April gets better.

Anyway, here's what happened in my first quarter of 2018.

1. I saw Imagine Dragons live in the flesh!!!
I seriously cannot express how in awe I was at the EVOLVE tour that night. The atmosphere, the crowd, the band, everything was just phenomenal. Getting to listen to songs that I've been hearing on the radio live in front of me is such a different experience. The part that really got me was when Dan, the lead vocalist, started talking about his depression and how he has a therapist and how it is very wise to seek help. He then lined it up with the song Demons. I swear to god when I was in high school and having depressive episodes in the night, I would put this song on repeat and bawl my eyes out under my blankets. I was so emotionally moved when Dan said those simple yet powerful words. I am so glad I went to their concert because that actually leads me to my second point!

2. I fucking called up a hospital and made an appointment to see a clinical psychologist.
And I am more than proud of myself. I feel like after visiting Ms Sam, she has really been trying to help my situation with the exercises and the homework. Although sometimes I feel like she's trying really hard cause my appointments are at like 9am in the morning lol. I got a diagnosis, and I also got coping mechanisms. Distorted thoughts, she told me. Since then, I've been identifying so many thoughts that are just really ridiculous. Each session made me feel a lot better when all I did was just talk. I am ever grateful to Ms Sam. And to people out there who are struggling, please know that help and support is always around. You are validated, your thoughts are validated and screw everyone who tries to tear you down.

3. I got elected as President!
I wrote about this in a different post talking about my fears and insecurities. I think I overcame a few obstacles (i.e. self doubt) and actually landed the position as a president of Sunway Career Peer Advisors. I have already what I want our club to grow as, and I hope that the people around me will follow me in the same direction. As of right now I think everything has fallen into place, and it's really time to start turning the wheels. I hope the best of luck to my team.

4. I started taking ukulele classes!
After a year of messing and goofing around with it, I finally got the opportunity to actually take up ukulele lessons! And I love each and every one of the lessons. Learning new things is just so satisfying and especially when you're interested, it makes it even better. I feel so good about myself knowing I still have so much more potential in me. Hopefully I'll be able to play a full song soon. I am SO excited.

Also, I have been doing a lot of thinking.

I keep thinking that I have not enough time to do everything that I want to. I also keep thinking that I don't want to live that long of a life. Hence, the former thought. I constantly need to remind myself that I'm only 21 years old this year. 21 is just emerging adulthood. It's the peak of your youth. Maybe that's also why I keep thinking I have to achieve a lot in a short period of time, or else I won't be able to achieve anything (okay this is actually a distorted thought: all or nothing thinking. look it up!).

Not enough self-confidence. I've been hearing that from my club advisor, Ms Eileen, since day one. I find it difficult for me to be confident. I think one reason is because I don't know if the things I'm doing are right or not. And yes, I know the first thing to change that is to change that mindset and be sure of what I do. But to be honest it isn't as easy as it seems, especially when I grew up with people judging me for everything that I do. I become so self-conscious about everything I do and I'm so afraid of what other people will think in terms of my ability. But I do my best. That counts too right?

I don't want to end on a heavy note so here's a cute comic strip by Lunarbaboon!

THE MURDERER OF ALL MY HOPES AND DREAMS

One of the things that is holding me back in life (okay maybe not life but some major steps forward) is undoubtedly, self doubt. I'm gonna share something that happened over the weekend but here's a little backstory:

Last year, I applied to be a Career Peer Advisor of Sunway. What we do is basically help students on their career pathway, help them look through their resumes and cover letters and basically try to make them employable. So naturally, we had to go through training to be able to do that. We had two training workshops, each on a Saturday. The first week was getting to know each other and JobStreet coming to educate us on the do's and don'ts of writing a resume. Then on the second week, it was committee nomination. We had to prepare a proposal in a group and present, and also play a team building game. At the end of the workshop, we had to nominate, based on the two weeks that we met and got along, the president, vice president and secretary of CPA. That's when Ms Sharon, our advisor, asked a question.

"Who is interested in being the president of CPA?"

No one raised their hand.

"Who is not interested in being the president of CPA?"

I slowly raised my hand, along with another 4 people.

Ms Sharon looked kinda shocked as to why I raised my hand (or she didn't and maybe I thought too much). She then like continued to explain the benefits of being the pres and stuff. She then said something that made me think. She said she doesn't expect you to already know everything when you become president and will guide you once you are actually appointed president.

Something that I learned from CISA, is that your skills need to already be very strong to take up a role as a committee. I always felt that there are so many people above me, and yes, there really are. You know how being mediocre feels like? That was always how I felt in CISA. I didn't feel like I was very strong in certain areas and sometimes I don't know if I'm really contributing to anything. I know that an effort is an effort but sometimes it just makes you feel shitty that you cannot do anything big. I'm always trying to learn, to adapt and to imitate that sometimes, I don't know what my style is anymore. But to be very honest, CISA is a place where the strongest talents are at. So maybe I'm still okay if you compare me with normal people. I'm always looking for ways to learn and grow, I don't know if I'm really achieving anything but I just hope what I do is up to standards and at least for the better of whatever I'm doing.

I didn't want to be president/vice-president not because I was busy with CISA or because I want to focus more on my studies. The real reason that came to my realisation, was fear: fear that I wasn't good enough for the position, fear that I couldn't do well if I really was appointed, and also fear that other people might not be convinced that I'm cut out for it.

The first step to overcoming a problem is to realise and admit that you have that specific problem. Well, to those interested, I took what I said back and told Ms Sharon I was still up for consideration. We'll see if I get any emails from them next week!

REPOST OF A POST

Huiyong Khoo is attending The Human Exhibit: Mentalhealth at Twenty20Two.
26 January at 00:36 

I never thought that I would grow up to be an abnormal person.

Why abnormal? Well that's how we categorise people like me, don't we? And to certain people, if it's not serious to the extend that you're already dead, it's probably you thinking too much or being lazy or finding an excuse or some other reason they can come up with.

I used to think I was just a very sad person in general when I was younger. I didn't think I was different then. However, as I grew up, I got to know a lot more about mental health issues. There were a lot of times where the pain in my chest was too unbearable I just wanted to not be alive just to get rid of the pain. I'm grateful that never happened and I'm still here doing what I do.

I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and dysthymia just this month. I'm very thankful of myself, plucking up the courage to even schedule an appointment with a psychologist, when some days I just don't feel like getting out of bed at all. High school had been rough for me, and university didn't really make it better either. I'm just very grateful that I'm studying Psychology and having friends that are so so supportive and caring and compassionate and empathetic.

The Human Exhibit: Mentalhealth is like a tour that lets you immerse in representations of different mental disorders. Two thumbs up to all the crew and performers, you guys were great! Tbh, the first thing I saw hit so so close to home I think I had the most intense panic attack right then and there. And just to share, the first thought that came into my mind was "That's me." I really highly recommend going to see this show, I promise you, you will not be disappointed.

Also a part of the show, Dear Mental Health is a movement to raise awareness and abolish the stigma of mental health. I wrote it not on my wrist, but just beside a self-inflicted scar that has been with me for almost 7 years, to remind myself that no matter what happens, I am strong and I will be fine and I will overcome whatever that is pulling me down. There are the bad days and more often than not, there are also many good days.

I don't need special treatment just because I'm diagnosed. I'm sharing this experience of mine to let people around me be aware that things like these are happening and a lot of the times, it might happen to someone close to you. So be loving, be caring, read up a little on mental health and maybe be the change that you want to see in this world :)

ONE SEMESTER HAS GONE BY & TRAVEL PLANS

Today marks the last final exam paper for my semester. I totally blew it. I really hope I don't fail this subject. Anyway, on a positive note, I can finally do whatever I put my mind to! Specifically, I look forward to a holiday of travelling, reading, gaming and sleeping.

This semester has been great. I had English, psychology, physiology and marketing this semester. I really didn't like marketing all that much. I just didn't have any interest in these kinds of subjects. I can understand why we have to study it but lecturers should establish a connection with both marketing and psychology. It's really boring to just study what business students study, plus the lecturer addressing you like a business student doesn't help either. Or maybe it's just not for me hahaha. English classes were awesome because we always have some kind of global issue to discuss about and I think it's just great. The wonders of humanity stuns me sometimes, no matter if it's positive or negative. Psychology was also another fun class. We had different lecturers for different areas and they were all quirky in their own way. The assignments were a pain but our tutor was the most attentive tutor you can ever meet. She gave us feedback in such detail that it was so helpful for us. Physiology class was fun because we have lab classes. Our lecturer is super cute too. A big part of the syllabus was already learned during high school, so it was quite fine for me; I just had to do a bit of translations.

I met a lot of good people in my classes and clubs. No matter in studies, projects, assignments or activities, there are so many people aiding me in what I do and I am forever thankful. Three months passed so fast I couldn't keep up. I was super busy the whole time, regardless if it's tests, assignments or activities. It made me thought a lot too, especially about the friends part. I realise that you don't need a permanent partner beside you all the time. Sometimes being alone is fine and wanting to be alone is healthy in a sense. True friends will come along and have your back, no matter the clique. I'm super happy cos there's this friend that is super deep and sometimes she just asks the most random questions but then we can talk a whole lot about it. She really made me want to learn and read more about stuff cos she's super intellectual and sometimes I'll be afraid I won't understand the things she says and the conversation ends there. I like her. I like our convos a lot.

Anyway, I'll be very busy this semester break. I'll be going to Ipoh from the 1st to 3rd of August. Then, I have the 30-Hour Famine Camp on the 6th and 7th. I'll be going to Langkawi  from the 9th to 12th and CISA is having our teambuilding activity on the 28th and 29th. I am really looking forward to everything. My life after uni started is just so full of activities, and I really like it. After high school and a break from all exams and homework, I really like being busy. I don't know if it's that sense of participation or achievement, but I like being busy.

Well, it's been a long long time since I've written anything so I don't think it's all that good, but it's what I think about everything. I really need to write more heh.

STAND UP FOR STAND UP COMEDY

Happy Valentine's Day! Today's (lately-written) blog post is about a stand-up comedy show called Stand Up for Education 2.0 Shyne and I had watched last month.

So I've heard about Harith Iskander a long time ago. I'd never been to any of his shows but I knew in a subconsciously manner that he was an extremely hilarious person. On a few days before the show, I found out about his Twitter account and followed him. The next day, Shyne whatsapped me asking if I wanted to go with her to his show. What a coincidence. Of course, I agreed eagerly.

The show was for a charity project by AMMA, All Malaysia Malayalee Association. The foundation's aim was to assist needy Malaysians to pursue their studies. The proceeds from the event were all channeled to needy and deserving young Malaysians for educational support, youth and leadership activities. Oh, and if you didn't know (like me), Malayalee is like a higher class of Indian people.

So, we reached the venue, which was at SJK(C) Sentul, and my, were the kids' school large! It was like a luxury to all primary school studies. The event had many people attending. Even though our row was like row R, we were in the middle of the hall. There were even rows KK, LL and more! The show lasted for 3 hours, and started off with Malaysia's grumpiest comedian, Kavin Jay. There were many funny comedians (all that I've never heard of till then) like Rizal Van Geyzel (“Future of Malaysian Stand-up Comedy”- Harith Iskander), Vivek Mahbubani from Hong Kong and Paul Ogata from the US (“ Funniest Asian-American Comedian in the USA”- Takeout Comedy Competition).

They joked about all sorts of things from races to sex to politics. All I can say that if you're close-minded and easily offended, please don't waste your money to come and listen and then write a criticising article in the newspaper. There were beverages served that can be brought in to the venue, so we were laughing and drinking and laughing and drinking some more and of course, taking the occasional toilet break.

One thing that really hit me was something that one of them (I've forgotten who, oops) stated that in the past, we listened to politicians and laughed at comedians, but now we laugh at politicians and listen to comedians.

I wouldn't hesitate to go to another show after this. It was a really fun experience and I'd recommend you to experience it yourself too. ^_^

"@hyeyeonghy: Watched 1 of Hariths shows tonight and I can say that I had the best time of my life 😌😌😌😌" That is why we do what we do

— Harith Iskander (@HarithIskander) January 31, 2016

PREPARING FOR THE DEPTHS OF UNI LIFE

Okay, so if you've been following my Snapchat ( huiyong.khoo ) *shameless self promotion*, you will know that I've already received my Sunway scholarship offer letter!!!!!!!! Yea so after waiting for ages I've gotten to know that I'll be receiving RM15,000 per annum during my studies in Sunway. I was actually a bit disappointed when I first heard the news cos I was going for RM20,000, but I realised that my case was a lot better than many others so I was quite content and grateful. Besides, we can always apply for PTPTN lol.

As many people (or not) know, I have had depression since forever, so at about 15 I had already made my choice to study Psychology. Initially I thought I would pursue it overseas because who doesn't want to if they have the chance to lol. But as we all know, our beloved country's economy is drastically going downhill and the currency rates are as high as ever. Also, to actually give people psychological therapy, one must hold a Masters degree. Two of those major factors convinced me to study locally first, then only study overseas. Coming to think about it, I didn't really know why I chose Sunway Uni. I think a major influence is because there are a lot of Hinhua alumni there. And I also personally know one of the Psychology lecturers. She told me a lot of information about the Psychology course in Sunway and how it compared to other universities' courses. My first choice was actually HELP University, but after visiting the campus on it's Open Day, I realised it wasn't my ideal kind of learning environment compared to Sunway. Besides, Sunway's library is to die for.

When applying for Sunway, there were its complications and I am nothing but grateful to those who have helped and aided me no matter if it was the enrolment or scholarship application. But it was in those complications that I managed to learn and discover more about the people I know hahaha.

My intake in is March, so there's really some time to look forward to. I cannot wait to meet both old and new friends at CISA and my course too. I also want to engage in lots of activities and make full use of my time in university. What already stresses me out is the high expectations of others and myself. I will be really bewildered on the first week but I am really glad there are people to accompany me during my time at Sunway. I hope to do things I have never done before and meet and learn from people who thrive by working in groups. I really want to be more action than talk, so I'll need to work as harder than before. I'm also looking forward to learning new skills. I can only pray that I meet good people hahahaha.

EXAMS GOT EVERYONE STRESSED OUT

Well, I'm back again.

I think in light of the fact that the exam season is here, everyone seems to be in depression. And I mean major depression. We're talking about the Great Depression after the Wall Street Crash in 1929 here. Like SUPER MAJOR depression. Or maybe it's just me lol.

Actually to be frank, I'm not really that depressed. Maybe just worried. I try not to think too much about it. Over-thinking is the main reason why all hell breaks loose every time. I'm just particularly worried about my Maths. And Physics. And Biology. And Chinese. And kinda everything else, even English. But I try my best. I'm trying my best. No, I don't wish for more hours a day or one more day of holiday. I just wish time would go by as fast as it can. Not only does these sufferings make me suffocate, I hate seeing my friends gasping for air too. Or maybe it's just me again.

So far I'm seeing posts about other people's opinion towards ourselves. Fuck them. Do what you want. Do what you love. Even someone that was hated during their high school years can make better friends when they go to university. And maybe even date someone that we'd never thought about. You know who I'm talking about. Or maybe you don't. Back on topic, even when I revise Maths, I need to start from doing Add. Maths (I). Do you think I care if you think I'm stupid? Of course not. I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing this for me. I think my level isn't that good so I'm starting low and maybe even making my foundation firmer. Or maybe when we were damn noisy when we were sitting at our old seats, do you think we care if you turned around and gave us a damn dirty look? We're not boring, tedious students who just know how to listen to the teacher babble on about what he says. To be perfectly honest, to be a goody two shoes is so stressful.

Well, I didn't think I would have that much to say on that topic. Maybe it's because I'm sticking up for another friend. Or maybe it's just me again.