January felt like 64 years, February felt like 8 days and now it's already March.
Spring is coming.
To be honest March wasn't really a good month for me, work-wise, relationship-wise and all. I felt like that took a toll on my mental health too. I thought like I wasn't doing good enough, and I wasn't being productive. So I felt really bad about it. A lot of things weren't going my way or as planned, and it made me super frustrated. I hate blaming what I can't do on my mental illness, but it really is so difficult living with it.
Hopefully April gets better.
Anyway, here's what happened in my first quarter of 2018.
1. I saw Imagine Dragons live in the flesh!!!
I seriously cannot express how in awe I was at the EVOLVE tour that night. The atmosphere, the crowd, the band, everything was just phenomenal. Getting to listen to songs that I've been hearing on the radio live in front of me is such a different experience. The part that really got me was when Dan, the lead vocalist, started talking about his depression and how he has a therapist and how it is very wise to seek help. He then lined it up with the song Demons. I swear to god when I was in high school and having depressive episodes in the night, I would put this song on repeat and bawl my eyes out under my blankets. I was so emotionally moved when Dan said those simple yet powerful words. I am so glad I went to their concert because that actually leads me to my second point!
2. I fucking called up a hospital and made an appointment to see a clinical psychologist.
And I am more than proud of myself. I feel like after visiting Ms Sam, she has really been trying to help my situation with the exercises and the homework. Although sometimes I feel like she's trying really hard cause my appointments are at like 9am in the morning lol. I got a diagnosis, and I also got coping mechanisms. Distorted thoughts, she told me. Since then, I've been identifying so many thoughts that are just really ridiculous. Each session made me feel a lot better when all I did was just talk. I am ever grateful to Ms Sam. And to people out there who are struggling, please know that help and support is always around. You are validated, your thoughts are validated and screw everyone who tries to tear you down.
3. I got elected as President!
I wrote about this in a different post talking about my fears and insecurities. I think I overcame a few obstacles (i.e. self doubt) and actually landed the position as a president of Sunway Career Peer Advisors. I have already what I want our club to grow as, and I hope that the people around me will follow me in the same direction. As of right now I think everything has fallen into place, and it's really time to start turning the wheels. I hope the best of luck to my team.
4. I started taking ukulele classes!
After a year of messing and goofing around with it, I finally got the opportunity to actually take up ukulele lessons! And I love each and every one of the lessons. Learning new things is just so satisfying and especially when you're interested, it makes it even better. I feel so good about myself knowing I still have so much more potential in me. Hopefully I'll be able to play a full song soon. I am SO excited.
Also, I have been doing a lot of thinking.
I keep thinking that I have not enough time to do everything that I want to. I also keep thinking that I don't want to live that long of a life. Hence, the former thought. I constantly need to remind myself that I'm only 21 years old this year. 21 is just emerging adulthood. It's the peak of your youth. Maybe that's also why I keep thinking I have to achieve a lot in a short period of time, or else I won't be able to achieve anything (okay this is actually a distorted thought: all or nothing thinking. look it up!).
Not enough self-confidence. I've been hearing that from my club advisor, Ms Eileen, since day one. I find it difficult for me to be confident. I think one reason is because I don't know if the things I'm doing are right or not. And yes, I know the first thing to change that is to change that mindset and be sure of what I do. But to be honest it isn't as easy as it seems, especially when I grew up with people judging me for everything that I do. I become so self-conscious about everything I do and I'm so afraid of what other people will think in terms of my ability. But I do my best. That counts too right?
I don't want to end on a heavy note so here's a cute comic strip by Lunarbaboon!
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